The Untimely Demise of Our Favorite Emoticons
by Bayard Russell
This popular emoticon was always secretly despised by the other emoticons
for being so sickeningly cheerful. Late one night, the other emoticons
snuck into its bedroom and held a big fluffy pillow over this happy-go-lucky
emoticon's face. The big fluffy pillow helped to muffle the sound
of the .45.
This emoticon, though it was also very popular, didn't need the help
of a big fluffy pillow to end its existence. It soon found that without
a nose of any kind and unable to breathe through its freakishly wide mouth
due to its perpetually closed smile, it had no way of bringing oxygen into
its cheerful little head. Eventually it turned blue, and then purple,
which made all the children laugh and smile.
This emoticon was a naughty, naughty emoticon. Every time someone
wrote a nasty thought, it was there. Every time someone made a come-on
to someone but wanted to pretend they were just kidding, it was there.
This emoticon just couldn't get its head out of the gutter. Soon
the mean Republicans realized that it was this emoticon that was corrupting
the fragile minds of America's youth, and locked it up in those desert
prisons with the Native Americans.
This emoticon, over the years, became increasingly confused with its
own identity. "I'm winking, so that means I'm happy, right?!
But I'm frowning, so that means I'm sad, right?! Oh God, it hurts
my brain!" It got so bad that one day it couldn't take it anymore
and its head exploded, and like a pinata it showered candies and small
gifts to all the good boys and girls.
This emoticon was always being picked on by the other emoticons for
being nerdy, but it had always stayed strong because its parents always
told it that it was special and the others were just jealous. But
one day it realized that it wasn't actually special in any way, but merely
nearsighted. Later that day it got punched in the face and its glasses
broke. It cried all night, but the next day life went on as usual
and no one cared.
This emoticon was content just to be itself and be left alone while
it sat in its room watching anime. But the critics bashed it for
its refusal to conform to sideways-positioning emoticon standards and for
looking "Too much like those foreign chins." So it was sent back
to Africa where it belonged.
This emoticon was perpetually hungry. It was drooling over everything
in sight, it was sooo hungry. So it started eating and eating and
eating some more, and one day it mistook its own hand for someone else's
hand and ate itself right up.
This emoticon was a super-robot in disguise, and when planet Earth
fell under attack by the dreaded Feel-Bots, it emoticoned into a giant
robot turtle and very slowly saved the day. Then it died.
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