by Bayard Russell, 25 July 2004
Note: All characters are copyright The Brothers Chaps. This story is a tribute to those characters and how freaking awesome they are. Especially Strong Bad, that lovable boxing-gloved anti-hero who checks his email a lot. We really identify with that guy.
"THE PERFECT PRESENT"
a Homestar Runner fan fiction
by Bayard Russell
One day Homestar Runner was standing in a bright, sunny, nondescript field for no reason. He was thinking about chocolate and how it tastes very similar to chocolate. Suddenly Strong Bad appeared in front of him.
"Hey Stupid! I'm talking to you."
"Oh! Stwong Bad! You supwised me! Where did you come from?"
"What the crap?! Homestar, I've been standing in front of you for fifteen minutes now trying to get your attention!"
"Oh, wight. I fowgot. Um...welcome to Homestawe Wunner, may I please take youwe owder?"
"Shut up. Listen, Doofus, I got a question, and I'd make you promise not tell anybody, except you're so stupid you won't remember anyhow."
"You'we pwobably wight. Ask away!"
"I want to buy... I mean, there's this guy I know, let's call him, I dunno, 'Strong Bad'. So this 'Strong Bad' guy wants to get this girl a present. Let's call this girl 'Marzipan' just for laughs. So 'Strong Bad' needs to get this lady-type 'Marzipan' a present, but not just any present, it needs to be a present so ridiculously awesome that she will ditch her jock-type loser boyfriend and get with him instead."
"Hey, my girlfwiend's name is Marzipan too! What a coincidence!"
"Yeahyeahwhatever. So anyway, you got any ideas, Stupid? This 'Strong Bad' character really wants to find the perfect present for this lady-type you know."
"Why don't you ask Coach Z? He'll pwobably know."
"Really? You think so?"
"No, not weally. I just want you to go away now."
"Hmm...well, Coach Z does know a bit about the ladies... it wouldn't hurtandmaybesomeasomeamurshermur... Okay, I'll go ask Coach Z! Thanks for nothing, Stupid! I'm totally stealing your girlfriend now, this is going to be great!"
"No problem! Say did you just say you were going to..." And with that Strong Bad punched Homestar Runner hard in the stomach and headed off towards The Stick to meet Coach Z. Strong Bad knew Coach Z would be there because Coach Z had nothing better to do.
Just as he had expected, Coach Z was sitting next to The Stick, talking to it about how hip hop and rap were actually the same thing, more or less. The Stick didn't really have anything to say, being a stick and all. And sticks don't talk, usually. But The Stick was a good listener, and Coach Z was a good talker, so the two of them got along just fine.
"Hey, Coach Z! How's it going?"
"Oh, hey there ho there, Strong Bads. I was just here a-talkin' about hip hop and rap. It's pretty interesting how some peoples call it rap, and others call it hip hop, when actually it's the same..."
"Okay, I'm bored." And with that, Strong Bad left to go talk to Bubs.
Bubs was at the concession stand, selling drinks to The Cheat. They were currently having difficulty because The Cheat was too short to reach the drinks on the counter, and Bubs didn't want to go around to the front of the store for 'security reasons.' So they were trying to balance the drinks on The Cheat's head when Strong Bad walked up.
"Hey thanks, The Cheat!" Strong Bad said as he grabbed a blue-colored drink off The Cheat. "Hey Bubs, I have a private question to ask you. So get out of here, The Cheat." The Cheat was not happy with this, and made a cute little noise that one would assume to mean, "I find your disrespect for me both irritating and humbling, and I would normally gnaw your face off for it, save that you are one of my best friends in the whole world so instead I will go pour these drinks on your computer keyboard." Cheat language is very expressive.
After The Cheat had left, Strong Bad continued. "Listen Bubs, I gotta get a gift for Marzipan...a gift so totally awesome that she will ditch the zero and get with the hero."
"What hero are you talking about? You mean Senor Cardgage?"
"No, I'm talking about me!"
"Oh right. Sure."
"Look Bubs, you got any ideas or am I going to have to go egg your house?"
"I got ideas. I got ideas all the time. But I can't quite remember any of them right now, unless you can refresh my memory..."
"Maybe a little of this will help you remember?" With that, Strong Bad pulled out a pencil and a sharpener, and unloaded some pencil shavings on the counter.
"Oh, I remember now. Look, Marzipan's one of those bleeding-heart liberal weenie types, right? So she probably likes hippie-type crap."
"Hippie crap, of course! Why didn't I think of that? Thanks, Bubs, I'm off!" With that, Strong Bad set off to talk to The Poopsmith.
"Hey, The Poopsmith! I need to ask you a... Oh MAN, it STINKS in here! Do you bathe in crap or something?" The Poopsmith shrugged. Seeing as he hadn't taken a bath in so long, he might as well be bathing in crap.
"Listen, Poopstar Scooper, I need your help. Do you have any of that hippie crap I could give Marzipan?" The Poopsmith nodded, and went behind the pile of poop to produce a bag of 100% organic manure.
"Whoa! Marzipan's going to love this bag of crap! I mean manure. Thanks! Oh wait, I don't want to touch this. Hey Strong Mad, c'mere big guy!"
Strong Mad came over, holding a cricket bat. "I WILL WIN!!! I WILL WIN!!!" he said.
"Sure you'll win, fella. Listen, I need you to pick up this bag of crap and carry it to Marzipan's house with me. It's, like, too heavy or something."
"NOOOOOO!!!!" said Strong Mad, and ran off. Hmm, this is going to be harder than I thought, pondered Strong Bad. How am I going to give this bag of crap to Marzipan without actually giving this bag of crap to Marzipan? Then he had a brilliant insight. I'll just have her come here and pick it up! She's a hippie so she probably loves touching this stuff! And with that Strong Bad rushed over to Marzipan's house. Good thing Strong Bad was in such great shape, otherwise all this traveling would have him beat.
On second thought, maybe he wasn't in such great shape. Marzipan's house happened to be pretty far away because Marzipan liked to be away from the 'hustle and bustle' of the center of town, so Strong Bad had quite a ways to go. And in his excitement, Strong Bad had decided to run there as fast as he could. By the time he got to Marzipan's house, Strong Bad was wheezing and exhausted. Marzipan came out to greet him. "Hello Strong Bad. What are you doing hunched over in my yard?"
Marzipan... puff puff... present... puff puff... bag of crap... Poopsmiths... whoof!" Strong Bad collapsed on the ground, trying to catch his breath.
"Ewww. Strong Bad, I'm not falling for another one of your wacky hijinks. I'm going inside now. Oh, and tell Strong Sad to stop leaving creepy messages on my answering machine." Marzipan went inside her house and locked the door.
"Nooooo!!!!" Strong Bad exclaimed a few moments later when he recovered his breath. "I was so close this time to winning Marzipan's heart! So close! Curse you, fate! Curse youuuu!" Just then, Homestar Runner walked up to Marzipan's house and found Strong Bad standing there, boxing gloves reaching to the heavens.
"Hey thewe Stwong Bad. What are you doing in fwont of my house?"
"This isn't your house, Homestar! What the crap. Anyway, I got you a gift too."
"Really? What did you get me? Is it a 'Secwet Santaman' gift, or is it a..." and with that Strong Bad gave Homestar his gift (another hard punch in the stomach) and headed off to his computer to check his email. "Owwww..." Homestar said, crumpled on the ground in totally serious pain. "That gift is bad fowe me." And indeed it was. Homestar had received the perfect present.