The Day Jesus Christ Ate My Eternal Soul
by Erica M. Ramsey
So the other day I was watching the Food Channel and I saw this wonderful
dish on Emeril Live!, and I knew I had to try it out. So I got the
recipe off a web site and spent all day in the kitchen making it.
It took some unusual ingredients so I was a little unsure of exactly what
to do, but before the evening was through I had cooked myself a hot, steaming
dish of My Eternal Soul.
So I made myself a plate and took it into the T.V. room to enjoy my
dinner. I flipped through the channels and low and behold, Crocodile
Hunter was on! My favorite show!
But just as I was about to take my first bite of My Eternal Soul, there
Jesus Christ was leaning against my leg, big blue pleading eyes looking
up at me. "Jesus Christ, you can't be hungry again, I just fed you
half an hour ago!" But Jesus Christ wouldn't budge, squatting next
to the table, hands clasped in the sign of worship. "No! Bad
Jesus! Go lie down! Lie down, Jesus!" With that, Jesus
Christ let out a wimper and retreated, curling up on the floor in the corner
of the room.
Oh, but in my haste I had totally forgotten about bringing out something
to drink! I looked down at Him and said, "Jesus, stay. Stay
Jesus!" and quickly got up to get myself some Sunny D from the kitchen.
I knew Jesus Christ was eyeing My Eternal Soul, but I had spent a long
time training Him to be good so I knew He'd stay put if I wasn't gone long.
But today Jesus Christ was being a total rascal. I hadn't been gone
from the room for more than thirty seconds, and when I came back my plate
was on the floor, and Jesus Christ had scarfed down My Eternal Soul!
I was sooo mad! I smacked Jesus on His bearded cheek and said, "Bad
Jesus! BAD BAD JESUS!" and all He did was turn the other cheek, so
I smacked that one too. Well, with the second smack He let out a
little yelp and scampered off, dragging the crucifix between His legs.
My, what a mess He had made. I started to clean up after that
little scoundrel, and then I realized where Jesus and scrambled off to.
The kitchen, oh no! So I rushed into the kitchen, and there He was,
healing hands up on the counter, devouring the remainder of My Eternal
Soul. As soon as Jesus saw me He knew He was in for it. I was
so angry that I started throwing pots and pans at Him and yelling and cursing
His name. Jesus tried to scamper out of the kitchen but His punctured
bloody feet kept slipping on the linoleum. So I grabbed Him by His
scruffy little hippie neck and dragged Him out to the backyard.
What a little scamp that Jesus Christ is! Not only did He ruin
my dinner, but now I'm soulless! I have no idea what happens to people
in the afterlife when they lose their Eternal Soul, but I'm sure it can't
be good. I was fuming about it for a while, but after watching the
Crocodile Hunter try to mow his lawn with all those scary crocodiles getting
in the way, I couldn't help but laugh. That funny little monkey man
always cheers me up. So I soon forgot all about the little incident,
and later on to make it up to Jesus for taking His name in vain I took
Him for a walk that evening. And wouldn't you know it, He goes ahead
and does His business on my neighbor's lawn! Those Jews next door
were not happy at all, let me tell you.
Boy oh boy, that Jesus Christ is such a little Devil!
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