How to Totally Ruin Your Chances For Success
by Bayard Russell
There's an amazing amount of resources out there to help struggling
losers to come out winners in today's competitive workplace. But
there's scant resources for those people who have a compulsive need to
fail but somehow keep scraping by. Well, "help" is on the way.
You may fear that it's impossible to totally screw up your future;
after all, everyone gets second chances whether they like it or not.
Well, you'll soon discover that permanent f*ck-ups are far easier than
you ever could have dreamed.
1. Acquiring skills make you a worker employers
Skills make you marketable, so you need to avoid getting them like
the plague. What starts out as an innocent interest or hobby could
accidentally blossom into a full-blown career. Even seemingly innocuous
things like video games or anal sex with your dog could turn into full-fledged
careers in the game testing or the animal husbandry industry if you don't
watch it. So avoid doing anything. Don't exercise: besides
the risk of exposing a possible talent in sports, exercise gives your muscles
strength and tone that could be used to do something productive.
You might want to stop eating for a while to waste away your body to the
point where you can't move. Watching television is usually okay,
but to be safe avoid the intelligent channels: stick to the mesmerizing
yet insubstantial ones, like those scrambled channels where you can sort
of make out what looks like a guy talking for a couple seconds, or the
Preview Channel. Other possible hobbies that might be okay:
attempting suicide, writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"
repeatedly, or eating styrofoam. (I'm not sure about these, so first
check with an older failure before you start, like Tony Orlando.)
And for God's sake, get off the Internet, you might learn something useful.
Probably not, but is it worth the risk?
2. On the issue of drug addiction:
Clearly you haven't gotten off the internet like I asked you to, so
you're going to need a little help. Getting addicted to a powerful
drug can curb your desire to do anything interesting. Pot alone can
allow you to be amused for hours on end just watching your hand move back
and forth, back and forth, back and forth whoa! Stronger drugs can
give you other types of amusement, like watching the spiders crawl out
of the walls while this spiky thing with huge teeth starts serenading Ricky
Martin and your face starts melting. Ahem. In order for this
to work, you need to be on the stuff all the time. Any breaks
you take could open up the potential for productivity, so get high and
stay there, bitch. Now the downside is that drugs cost money, so
when your daddy's trust fund runs dry you might go out and do something
to get cash that might inadvertently give you useful skills, like stealing
hubcaps or breaking into vending machines. So save an extra-large
dose for last and O.D. Dead men can't work. Word!
3. Finishing what you've started:
When you start f
4. Making a resume that leaves an impact:
OK, say you got into a terrible situation and accidentally acquired
some marketable skills. How are you going to avoid being hireable
now? I bet you think that your best bet is to not have any resume
at all. Wrong. It's one thing to not have a resume and have
people unsure of your abilities, but it's another thing to have an extremely
bad resume and erase all doubt in their minds. First of all, don't
type your resume, and don't even think about writing it out in pen or pencil.
Crayon is passable, but if possible use dirt or your own blood. Don't
use real words either, complete garble will make them assume either that
you're insane or that you're completely retarded.
Bonus tip: soak
the resume in the stench of your own urine.
5. Giving an interview people will remember.
If you possibly get in the situation where someone has accepted your
urine-soaked resume and wants you to come in for an interview, you're going
to have to do something drastic. Giving a bad interview is much easier
than giving a good one. For one thing, interviewers expect proper
attire. So wrap some duct tape around your cha-cha and go for it.
Nervously twitching is another fine technique, and screaming random phrases
like, "I hate you, aliens, stop probing my mind! Oh God, the voices!"
will give them the impression you're looking for. If worse comes
to worse, raping your interviewer will end your chances for sure, and as
a bonus you'll get a permanent social stigma which will haunt you for the
rest of your life as well as cut short any possible career choices you
may have had. Or give them a wet willy. They hate that!
6. Family connections are a resource for your success.
Today's marketplace is all about connections. Even a complete
loser can get hired if a friend or family member has a measure of clout.
You need to cut the ties that bind you! Simply refusing help from
your friends and family isn't going to cut it, because in the future you
might cave and accept their loving, generous offers. So swear that
you'll never be happy until your mother and father are in their deathbeds.
Tell vicious lies about your friends behind their back. Beat the
crap out of your sister. Be creative! If all else fails, simply
execute every motherf*cking last one of them.
7. The wise teachings of the Buddha.
Buddha teaches that the key to all pain and suffering is attachment
to material things. Detach yourself from the world and you will purify
your soul and come closer to entering Nirvana in your next life.
Without a want or care in the world, petty things like feeding and cleaning
yourself will exit your heightened level of consciousness as you and your
withered, starving body realize the ultimate Truth. And when you
have finally reached Enlightenment and the world is nothing to you, you
can run around and blow stuff up like that dude in Falling Down.
that a bit too malicious for you? My bad.