I Am Superman
by Little Billy aka Superman
I am Superman. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Look at meeeee!!!!!
I'm flying around the living room! I can fly because I'm Superman.
And Superman can fly. I can fly up really high. I could pick
mommy and daddy up and fly up in the air, and if they told me to stop eating
cookies and go to bed I could just drop them. Zooom! Splat!
No more mommy and daddy! And then I'd get to watch Conan O'Brien
because I'm Superman. Conan is funny because he is sarcastic.
Look at me, I'm HUGE!!!! I'm sooooooo big! Look at these
bulges! I don't even work out, I'm just naturally lumpy. I
like to wear blue spandex to show off my enormous bulges. When I
have to be Clark Kent and wear that stupid suit all the time I am sad,
because then Lois doesn't get to see my enormous bulges.
I can shoot laser beams out of my eyes. Yaaaay!!! I can
blow holes in anything with my red laser beam eyes. If I wanted to
I could burn a hole through the center of the earth with my laser beam
eyes. Then I'd drop quarters down there and hit Satan on the head
with them. Satan would be pissed, but I wouldn't mind because I'm
Superman and I have big bulges.
I'm really really strong too. When I'm at the playground and Jeff
says he's going to beat me up if I don't give him my milk money, I can
just flick my little pinky finger out. Just my little pinky.
And then Jeff's head would be atomized and little pieces of his head would
fly off and hit all the other bullies and atomize them too. After
all the bullies atoms have been ized I would go drink my milk because Superman
likes milk. And I am Superman. So I like milk too.
I'm really fast too! Zip! If my mom was yelling at me that
I better have my room clean or daddy's going to bring up the belt, and
mommy starts coming up the stairs to come check up on me and I haven't
done a thing, I can clean up my room so fast that I'm done before mommy
gets to the top of the stairs, and still have time to read my entire comic
book collection, bury my dead gerbil in the backyard, and rummage through
mommy and daddy's drawers and hide their bondage equipment. I'm really
I have icy cool breath too! And I can freeze people. And
I have a cape.
I have blue hair. It's really cool. It's blue like Stacey's
hair was blue when she tried to prove to mommy and daddy that she was an
adult now, and failed. But mommy and daddy don't tell me to dye my
hair back the way it was and stop being a slut, because they know that
my little pinky finger could atomize them. And everybody thinks I'm
sexy. My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Whittaker, thinks I'm really
sexy. She has to wear sunglasses to class every day so she won't
be blinded by my sexyness. Every morning I polish myself with oil
so I'll continue to be sexy and not get dull like daddy says mommy has
gotten. Mommy should polish herself more often so she can be sexy
like Superman is.
In closing, I'd like to say that I am Superman. Weee!
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